BobbyGardner

2 Weeks Later!

2009-04-15T15:45:00.004-05:00

Hey gang! You might be wondering where the heck I've been for the past couple of weeks. Well, let's just say that the postponement of softball upset me in ways you cannot imagine. I was on a hunger strike for 1 hour and 35 minutes. Then I tried a sleep strike. That didn't last much longer. Then I marched up and down Hennepin Ave cursing at the weather and softball Gods. It turns out marching is exercise, so that didn't last very long. But I bought a burrito with the change I gathered from drivers by who were in support of my plight. Carnitas...oh boy do I love a good burrito. Long story short, I've had quite a journey in and out of madness the past couple of weeks.

Skirt Turtles, Huzzah!
I am pleased to announce that the BNW Skirt Turtles had their season opener Monday and we kicked some serious ass! I know it's a Co-ed recreational league, but I was out for blood. After the disappointments of last years league I wanted to send a message to the City Sports Connection Spring Co-ed Rec League the Skirt Turtles were nothing to snicker at. Well, MESSAGE SENT! We 10 runned the team we played in the 5th inning and celebrated at the Corner bar with appetizers and beverages. I am awfully proud of the squad!!

Taxes...
...suck my balls. How is it that I continue to owe money? Answer: I'm a fucking idiot!

I promise I won't leave you in the lurch like this again loyal readers. My proverbial teat of knowledge will always be there for a suckle. Still friends?

Tune in SOON for the next installment! Same Bob-time(maybe), same Bob-channel!

F U Weather!

2009-03-31T16:32:00.002-05:00

Hey gang!

Not much today because I am going to find a corner to weep and gnash my teeth in. Why, you ask? Opening day of softball got pushed back a week because of this shithead weather we are having. The fields aren't ready because the fucking snow hasn't completely melted yet! Argh! I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm not as bad off as others are right now due to assy weather. But hey, it still sucks!

Vegas it is!
The Vegas Lounge was voted favorite watering hole in the Twin Cities by 5 people. Well, I invite those 5 people(the rest of you can come too) to a night of booze and debauchery. Let's shoot for mid-April? I call Vegas Dawn though. She is the sexiest towny you will find in the the metro area.

Tune in for the next installment. Same Thisweatherisadick-time, same Thisweatherisadick-channel!

Glove oil and Pugs!

2009-03-24T14:43:00.009-05:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was (insert clever word)!

Dog Park
AC and I took my mom's pug to the dog park in Apple Valley on Sunday. It's hard to think of something more gutwrenchingly cute than a bunch of dogs of all shapes and sizes hanging out and doing dog stuff. Maxwell was the prince of the party though. Everyone loves a cute pug, and Max is one of the cutest. This pic is Max when he was 3 months old.

Softball Fever
I picked up a new glove for softball, and let me tell you, there is not one ball that will be missed in left field this season. I oiled her up today to get her good and loose for all of those fly balls she'll pull down. I was thinking of naming her Catchy. What do you think? Stop raining so I can have a catch out of doors!

I Love You, Man
I highly recommend this flick. It's very funny. How hot is Rashida Jones? Answer: So hot!

Time to hit the gym!

Tune in for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Rainy day soreness.

2009-03-20T17:12:00.009-05:00

Hey gang! Happy Friday! Or as I like to call it, the start of the weekend!

Sore as Shit
As some of you may have noticed, I have put on a few pounds during the winter doldrums. Well, first off, thanks for being so shallow you judging dick pirates! Sorry about that. Still friends?

Anyway, to fight off what I like to call "the hunger", I joined my local Y. I have been really good about going every day since Tuesday. But my chubby isn't going down without a fight. My body is so pissed at me. I know I'm doing the right thing. But my body keeps pleading with me:

"Remember when we ate handfuls of Rolos and sat on the couch for hours watching wrestling and playing video games? Those were good times. I miss our times like that together. Can't we try it again?"

No chubby Bobby! Not this time! I don't care how sore I get, or how much work it is. I'm tired of sweating just from tying my shoes. Sure I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling achy. But I won't feel like such a lazy piece of shit and that is a great trade off! Boom shakalaka!!!

Gotta run! It's time for some dinner.

P.S> There is a tie for the favorite watering hole. I've narrowed it down to the top 3 vote-getters. Let's decide this once and for all, shall we?

Tune in for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Spring has Sprung bitches!!

2009-03-17T14:39:00.003-05:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was thawriffic!

Softball
Okay, so softball is still a few weeks away but I can't stop thinking about it. I am so fucking excited! Softball means 2 things to me. First, it means spring is here. Second, it means I get to come out of hibernation and do something active, even if it is only one night a week. It's time to hit the batting cages and and warm up my softball arm. Now I can wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to other than boobs. Boobs got me through a long cold winter. Thank you, smooches!

St. Pats
Happy St Pat's day!!! I am part Irish so I really enjoy this day, though not as much as I used to. I still enjoy the green and amber merriment but I don't partake in the medicine of the Irish. I will have one or two ales, I'm not a monster, but I have to keep things under control. But why Bobby? I'll tell you why. The last St Pat's day I went balls to the wall I blacked out, passed out, and woke up hours later in a strange place with a gigantic novelty bow-tie on(and not much else) and a half eaten corned beef sandwich resting on my tummy like a drunken otter. Now you have that picture in your heads and can never unknow that. You are welcome!

Gotta run!

If you haven't yet, please vote on your favorite pub. The winner will be the location of my next drunken debacle, so choose wisely.

Tune in for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Six feet over.

2009-03-12T17:41:00.002-05:00

Hey gang! It's thirsty Thursday. Where is your favorite watering hole?

Six Feet Under
I know I will get crap for this, but I have only seen one episode of this show. It was the pilot. I have always wanted to pick it up on Netflix, but there was always a season of Sopranos, or 24 that always got in the way. Until last night!! I began the adventure through the afterlife with Season 1 disc 1. It is a fantastic show and from what I've heard it only gets better. Thank you to AC for bringing this oversight to light and bringing this gem back to the forefront of my TV viewing mind(But it's not TV, it's HBO). I'm excited to get started on disc 2. YAY!

Pyramid
In an attempt to not feel like such a piece of shit, I have been working out more lately. Someone from the Brave New Workshop recommended a pyramid. What is a pyramid? It's an exercise program that includes push-ups, sit-ups, and jumping jacks. You start by doing 15 of each and then, without a break, you continue up the pyramid by doing 14 of each exercise. Then 13, 12, 11, until you get to the top of the pyramid doing one of each. It is fucking hard!! Especially for someone as out of shape as myself. If you want to see a grown man with an average build cry. Ask him to do a pyramid. You'll see more tears than the last 40 minutes of Marley and Me.

That's all for now!

Tune in for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-time.

Watchmen and more snow?

2009-03-10T17:37:00.002-05:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was hilarity personified!

Watchmen
So I caught Watchmen this weekend. I thought it was okay. Director Zack Snyder stuck very close to the source material published by DC in 1986. It was almost as if he used the Hugo Award winning graphic novel as a storyboard for his film. But the Watchmen is more of a detective story/suspense thriller(Though, I contend it is a little difficult to put it into any specific categories). The reason I bring this up is that new audience members who have yet to tackle the book may have been a little misled by the previews for this film. The previews make it look like a non-stop action thrill ride. It clearly is not. So to the unknowing viewer this 2 hr and 45min(My buns were pretty soar from sitting in Lagoon's shitty seats for that long) monster may come off as boring. I thought the graphic novel was a little slow, so you can imagine that there were points in the film that, to me, dragged it's ass. This skewed view of the superhero realm didn't translate to the big screen very well. Alan Moore said the story is "unfilmable." I would have to agree. Snyder gave it a good try, but the film version of Watchmen doesn't compare to its source material.

Snow?
Fuck off! Last warning!

That's it for me!

Tune in for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Bowlarama!

2009-03-05T16:57:00.007-06:00

Hey gang! How is your day going? Mine is Thurstatsic!

Bowling
A few friends and I went to Elsie's last night for some "black light bowling." It was a blast! I hadn't bowled in a few years so I was a little slow getting my roll back. But once I did my pals and I had some pretty competitive matches. Apparently when you challenge someone to a bowling match you say, "Let's shoe it up." That seems strange. "Shoeing" implies horseshoes to me. But I guess saying, "Let's bowl it up", or "I challenge you to a bowl" don't sound much better. I like "Let's roll!" But again, that could be confused with many things if your frame of reference is not bowling.

Robocop
BT and I watched this flick on HDNet last night. We bounced between that and the Gophers basketball.(Great finish to that game, by the way!) I was afraid that seeing Robocop again after all these years would sully the great childhood memories I had of a kick ass, bloody, Sci-Fi Cop Drama! Well, it didn't. There were a few instances where the special effects left a little to be desired, and some of the acting was a little 80's shlcocky.(Watch any movie from the 80's and you'll know what I mean by that) But over all it was a solid action flick with a little bit of heart peppered in. Well played Murphy, well played.

P.S. Is Ronny Cox the bad guy in every movie between 1986 and 1992? Answer: Yes.

That's all for now!

Tune in for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Spring Lions.

2009-03-03T16:03:00.005-06:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was...good...I guess...good...yeah okay.

Spring
We are waiting for you! Hurry the fuck up! I'm tired of jackets, snow, snot, and the indoors.

Book Corner
I've decided to have a little book club banter. So, if you are currently reading anything you recommend to me or the loyal Boblog fans, please post a comment.

I am currently reading American Lion by Jon Meachham. It is an interesting biography of President Andrew Jackson. I'll keep you posted.

New Poll
Check it out!

Funny Shit
This video is hilarious. This little girl is batty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU

This one is adorable and a little unnerving. Say hello to Bizkit!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-0dzKH1Rfs&feature=related

*Thank you to BT for bringing these to my attention.

Tune in for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Snow, Snuggies, and Snot.

2009-02-26T14:11:00.004-06:00

Hang gang! How was your week? Mine was boogertasic!

Sorry I haven't been able to massage your mind boobs with my gloves of knowledge for the past few days. I've been ill. I typically get one serious bug a year and this one is a doozers. But hey, I got to catch up on reading, sleeping, and WWE wrestling, so it wasn't a complete wash.

Snow?
Still? Fuck off winter!

Snuggies
In my dayquil induced comma I came across numerous ads for a new product called a Snuggie. Have you seen this? It's basically a blanket, with sleeves. What will they think of next?!? Last time I checked a blanket with sleeves was a sweater. What's next? How about a "blanket" with sleeves and legs with elastic around the waist.. with a hood. Watch out Ron Popeil, I'm comin' for you! And what an unfortunate name for a product. Didn't any of the marketing brain wizards for this product attend junior high?

Gotta run! I have to go let a bird out of it's cage for a while. Oddly enough, that is not a euphemism for anything.

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel.

Friday MF's!!!

2009-02-20T17:53:00.002-06:00

Hey gang! Happy Friday!

I realize I haven't been able to inject your souls with the sweet tickle of my philosophers stone for a few days. For that I apologize. This week got away from me. Can we still be friends?

Oscars!
I am a big fan of the Oscars! Not because I enjoy watching them, but because I own at picking the winners! What do you folks think for best picture? Will it be obvious like Titanic? Or backdoor bullshit like Shakespeare in Love? You won't have to wait long my baby Bobbys!

Snow huh?
It's snowing again! I am glad that the layer of dog turds and cigarette butts will be dusted over. But I am so tired of winter. Every year in late February-early March I always vow that next year I will live someplace warm like LA or Vegas. But where do I end up the same time every year? You guessed it, in my place of residence sitting on the couch in my underwear cramming Fruit Loops in to my lazy fat face. Better luck next year right?

Congrats to Ben on his big D! You have earned some Vegas Lounge my friend.

I was thinking of live blogging the Oscars, but I will be watching them with 75% of the people who read this blog. Sorry mom!

Tune in Monday for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Monday, Monday.

2009-02-16T17:07:00.003-06:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was a heart-shaped turd.

Opening
We opened the new show at Brave New Workshop this weekend to three sold out crowds! How to Make Love Like a Minnesotan warmed hearts and tickled funny bones on this very romantic weekend. We also broke some records in bar sales. Kudos to the cast, crew, an front of house staff on a job well done!

You have Super-Spoken
Big fucking surprise that Batman won the poll! Maybe the next superhero poll I do will be right after a new Superman movie is released. An even bigger surprise is that Captain America got zero votes. WTF? What more does he have to do for this country for the eleven of you to show him some respect? Sorry to editorialize. Can we still be friends? Congrats to the Bat-Chode!

Fringe lotto
Tune into one of our favorite websites FringeFamous.com for live coverage of the MN Fringe Festival lottery! If you are not interested in the Fringe, check it out anyway. It is a very funny site!

That's all for now! Gotta teach a class!

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment. Same Bob-time, Same Bob-channel!

Final Preview and Fake Retiring.

2009-02-12T17:37:00.003-06:00

Hey gang! I hope your Thursday is as swankeriffic as mine is!

Final Preview...
Tonight, 8pm, Brave New Workshop. This is our last chance to work out any kinks before opening tomorrow night. Come check it out!

Favre
Either retire or don't. I'm tired of your mind games!

Superb!
It's neck and neck between the big two in the Super Poll! Only 2 days left to let your voice be heard!

Gotta run! More Bobledge tomorrow! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel.

Walking Tacos and Melting Snow.

2009-02-11T17:04:00.004-06:00

Hey gang! I hope your Wednesday is treating you like the Kings and Queens you are.

Walking Tacos
I was at a friends ice-skating and tacos birthday party last night. Alas, the warm February weather left a shortage of ice to skate on. But there was no shortage of walking tacos! Apparently I'm the only person on the planet who didn't know what these delectable gems were. Basically you open up a small bag of your favorite tortilla chips(I chose Cool Ranch Doritos), crush up the chips, then add your meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa, etc., grab a fork and enjoy! How have I not heard of this? It combines my two passions: food and laziness. Kudos to the fat, lazy bastard that came up with the walking taco. I salute you!

P.S. Happy B-Day AC!

Mild Temps
The annual thaw is beginning to take place in the frozen tundra, though a little earlier than normal. Is anyone else grossed out by the wreckage that has been revealed over the last few days? Cigarette butts, dog shit, and wrappers now litter our streets and yards. It's as if Minnesotans hide their trash under the snow like a teenage boy hides porn under his mattress.

Gotta run. Rehearsal beckons.

Tune in tomorrow for another installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

A-Rod and Al-J Rantaroo!

2009-02-10T20:00:00.000-06:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was busy with previews.

A-Rod
Holy balls is baseball in trouble! If you haven't heard, Yankee 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancing drugs between 2000 and 2003 while playing shortstop for the Texas Rangers. In an era of asterisks being put next to records and McCarthy-like steroid witch hunts it seemed as though it couldn't get any worse for America's pastime. It did. I don't know about you guys, but I am sick of hearing about this shit! My father's generation had Mantle, Dimaggio, Mays, and Aaron. Our generation is saddled with question marks like Bonds, McGuire, Sosa, Clemens, and now A-Rod. I love baseball. I hate what it has become. Who do you blame? The players, the owners, the commissioner, or all of the above? Something needs to change. Either expose them all or keep it all under raps. Why was it necessary to bring this info about A-Rod to light 5 years after the fact? Why did the players union let this happen? There will be no punishment for him because he used before specific rules and tests were put into place to do so. So why bring it up? Just to put another blemish on this already pockmarked league? Commisioner Selig needs to take control of this shitstorm or step down and let someone with more stones do it for him.

Al-J
MN Timberwolves star Al Jefferson is out for the season after tearing his ACL this week. Just when you thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel fucks you in the ass!

Sorry I'm so grumpy gang. I'll sleep on it and have some brighter things to chat about tomorrow. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

I'm back baby!

2009-02-08T17:02:00.010-06:00

Hey gang! Here's a weekend post to quench your thirst for some much needed Bob-knowledge(Bobledge).

Previews part 1
This weekend the cast of How to Make Love Like a Minnesotan tickled funny bones with some irreverent satire. It has been a busy weekend full of sketch cutting, lineup changing, and rehearsing. Preview weekends are always a mindfudge. Just when you start to feel comfortable with a sketch, it gets cut. Sketches you thought would go off like gangbusters are met with a titter and a grin from the audience(Cut it!). There's nothing more gut wrenching than realizing onstage that the sketch you are currently performing in won't make it to the next night of previews, much less to opening night. But, such is the business that is live sketch comedy! Long story long, we have already cut some great sketches, so the final product is going to be the best of the best. It is going to be a great show!

Potholes!
So that stretch of Hennepin ave from the Walker to Franklin Ave in uptown is fucking ridiculous! It's like playing russian roulette with your michelins. How chewed up does that pavement need to be before the city puts some new pavement down? I'm not asking for much, just fill the craters that a small child could bathe in. It's not like this is a recent issue. That stretch has been assy for years. I'm tired of feeling like I'm treking through the Australian outback in a four wheeler everytime I drive my little Honda to work!

Super-Poll(Pun intended!)
I've posted a new poll so we can answer the question that has plagued nerds and Sam Rami for years: Who is the best Superhero? Choose wisely. The fate of the world is in your capable hands!

That's all for now!

Tune in for tomorrow for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Memorizing lines...

2009-02-04T13:30:00.004-06:00

Hey gang! This week is a busy one for yours truly so I will have to keep it short today.

Memorizing lines...
Sucks balls! I'm pretty quick at memorizing lines, but we are really under the gun the week of previews at BNW. It truly is like one of those nightmares actors have about being on stage and not knowing what comes next. Yikes!

I promise more in the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

No need for a recount!

2009-02-03T16:14:00.006-06:00

Hey gang! It's official. Ten of you voted and 80% of you preferred peanut M&Ms over plain. A surprising 20% went to my sweet caboose. I'm sorry my rumpshaka' is so unappealing you. I vow to change your opinion of my fudge factory by the time we part ways in this cyber-life. Congrats peanut M&Ms! You earned this victory.

Previews
Previews for the next show at the Brave New Workshop start this Thursday. It's a love and sex themed show entitled How to Make Love Like a Minnesotan: Sleepless in Shakopee. So far the material is fantastic. It can only get better from here. Come check it out this weekend. Your laughter will decide which sketches stay or go. Official opening is February 13th.

Mike Fotis
A shout out to Mike for putting a link from his site to my blog. He's a pal! If you haven't already check out his site:

www.mikefotis.com

You shant be disappointed!

This is a quick one today because of tech rehearsal and line memorization. More tomorrow, I swear.

Tune in for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel.

Super Bowl, Puppy Bowl, Taken, BSG.

2009-02-02T17:03:00.021-06:00

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Mine was chalked full of awesomeness!

Super Bowl
Despite what a lot of people are saying, Super Bowl 43 was not a great game. The 4th quarter was maybe the greatest quarter of football played in Super Bowl history, but even that might be stretching it.

A few Bob-lites:

-Jennifer Hudson obviously lip-syncing the National Anthem. You have the chops girl. You don't need to can that shit!
-Steeler's linebacker James Harrison intercepting a Kurt Warner pass and taking it back over 100 yards for a TD, then immediately flopping on the ground gasping for air as if he had just run a 5k after partaking in a 3 hour binge at Old Country Buffet.
-Pepsuber!
-The Miller High Life 2 second ad.
-The Boss kind of reminded me of my dad. Weird.
-After over 100 yards in penalties, the Cardinals still managed to make it a game.
-The sweet feeling of the 20 dollar bill being slapped in my palm by a disgruntled Max Liebowitz who foolhardily picked those Cardinals to win.

Taken
This movie, starring Liam Neeson, is a turd! That is all. I give it 1 1/2 Bobs out of a possible 5.

Puppy Bowl V
This is adorable! It's basically a 2 hour extravaganza of different breeds of puppies running around a tiny stadium playing, wrestling, making doodoos, etc. You'd think it would get boring watching puppies play for that length of time. You'd be wrong. Just when you are getting sick of the lineup they have on the field, out of the little tunnel comes a baby pug or beagle to pump up the crowd with their gut wrenching cuteness.

Battlestar Galactica
If you haven't seen this show, for shame! Seriously, get on your Netflix account and order the first 4 seasons, then tune in Friday nights to SciFi for the final season. It is fracking awesome!(You'll get why I used that word if you watch the show sillies.)

Candy Corner
It has been brought to my attention that I omitted peanut butter M&Ms from the "great candy poll." For this I apologize. I guess I'm just a fundamentalist who clings to the past. I don't acknowledge the newer sensations like peanut butter M&Ms, Dark Chocolate M&Ms, or the bastard child blue M&Ms.

Well that's all for now. Sorry about the late posting.(All three of you were concerned, I know.)

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

TGIB! (Thank God it's Bobby!)

2009-01-30T16:21:00.008-06:00

Happy Friday, loyal readers!(all three of you.)

Last Chance Douches
Tonight and tomorrow are your last opportunities to see All I Want For Christmas is 700 Billion Dollars at the Brave New Workshop. Don't miss it!

Let me Smell Yo...by Riskay
This video is one of the funniest things I've seen in 2009. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc

*Here is the rebuttal from Action Rack entitled "Why's Yo Pussy Smell Like Condoms?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxTYl4UQuyo

Candy Corner
I posted a poll to answer the question that has plagued mankind for decades. Vote and let your voice be heard!

That's all for now Skittlenips! I have to get back to rehearsal.

Tune in Monday for the next installment! Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Blocking, teching, and talking.

2009-01-29T17:09:00.010-06:00

Hey gang! Bobby here.

Thanks for the comments on the last Boblog. I will strive to disappoint you grammatically just as I have disappointed so many women sexually.

Brave New Closing
We are closing the holiday show at BNW this weekend. Holiday show, you ask? First off, I don't appreciate your tone. Second, the show has been selling surprisingly well in the month of January, so back off. Wait...can we be friends again? I'm sorry I lost my temper bloguals. Let's never fight again. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the holiday show is closing this weekend, so this is your last chance to see me in a diaper.(Spoiler alert!)

Candy
How awesome are peanut M&M's?
Answer, so awesome!

Basketball
Just because Kevin McHale is turning out to be a decent coach does by no means make him a good GM.
Closed Circuit to Glen Taylor: Kevin McHale is not the answer anymore! Just because he looks like Frankenstein's monster does not mean you have to be afraid of firing him as GM. But it's possible he's afraid of fire, so try lighting a match when you break the bad news.

Gotta go! I'm off to work on a song about an ugly baby.(Spoiler alert!)

Tune in for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!

Hey everybody! I'm Bobby.

2009-01-28T19:16:00.003-06:00

This is my first blog. I don't know what it's all about yet. What I do know is I will blow your blogminds by the time you've decided you want to break up with me. I might not have great technique or style. And there might grammar and spelling errors. But the content will keep you warm at night.

So what should be the topic of my next blog? You tell me.

That's all for now Skittlenips!

Tune in for the next installment. Same Bob-time, same Bob-channel!